I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
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I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.