I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: