I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?