I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good