I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
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i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that