I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
The answer is funnier than the question
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
same bro
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.