I see your IQ test came back negative
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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit