@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

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@PanettaSexyTime

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

@thagr8short1

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

@xxsomebunnyxx

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

@MsLisaM

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

@MrsTomServo

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

@BlindChow

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

@AmishSuperModel

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

@daemonic3

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.