“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?


[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]


Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?


Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.


The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.


I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.


WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit


Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.


Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.