“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
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(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.