I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
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Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
This is true.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.