“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy