@simoncholland I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
@LizHackett I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
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@simoncholland 
@caliluvgirl77 Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
@ninatreemonkey Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
@Tbone7219 You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
@Ndeshi_M I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
@YayatiSB My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
@UncleDuke1969 *opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
@bingowings14 See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
@scootergonscoot smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
@ch000ch [climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi