@LizHackett

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

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@simoncholland

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

@caliluvgirl77

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

@ninatreemonkey

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

@Tbone7219

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

@Ndeshi_M

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

@YayatiSB

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

@UncleDuke1969

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

@scootergonscoot

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi