@Crunch11b

I self medicate, therefore you live.

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@Midgetspar

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

@geekysteven

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

@LlamaInaTux

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

@murrman5

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

@CafeinatedBacon

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

@iwearaonesie

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

@LoveNLunchmeat

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

@MakesTweetsUp

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

@zoeklar

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”