i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
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*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein