i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?


[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”


Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol


technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?


You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.


9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”


Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.


Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.