I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
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The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.