“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
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JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Cat.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
#gardening
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part