Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

That’s enough internet for the day