I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[eats all your cotton candy]
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.