I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
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Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.