I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.