I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You Might Also Like
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Me when my alarm goes off
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely