I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Jail
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.