I sexually identify as a hand grenade

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?


This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.


I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.


“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.


If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?


Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.


If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally


Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.


My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen