I sexually identify as a hand grenade
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My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year