@howlinglow

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

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@bingowings14

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

@UNDEADTRESOR

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

@SteveSuckington

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

@shutupmikeginn

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

@KalvinMacleod

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@vineyille

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

@CorndogHospital

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen