I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
You Might Also Like
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.