I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.