I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
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today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”