I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
You Might Also Like
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Möther may I have a snäck
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer