I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
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Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
work smarter, not harder
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.