I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
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mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Smooooooth
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge