I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
The happy life.. 😊
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
#MeanwhileInCanada
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst