“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”