Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.
Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??