I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
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Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
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When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.