@CruisinSoozan

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

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@HeyoShellz

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

@TheHyyyype

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

@ApocalypseBnG

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

@permawedgie

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

@FlyJ_

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

@CroweJam

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

@HDminusworld

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

@truegritrumble

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

@jonnysun

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

@TheTweetOfGod

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.