I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

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My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich


ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography


How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…


OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.


You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.


Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.


Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong


Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.


opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses


Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.