I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
buys donuts instead
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.