I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
You Might Also Like
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.