I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”