When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*
Hey baby, what’s your name?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.