“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
You Might Also Like
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels