I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
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[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
From my Mom