I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening


In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint


Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.


Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true


Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!


Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?


Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.


LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.



I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”