I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

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I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores


ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start


[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni


God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.


my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”


toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.


Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.


people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important


Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.


Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..