I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Happy birthday to all the women
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.