I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.