I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
You Might Also Like
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
2 years later
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
🤣🤣
I falcon love using swear birds
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.