I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
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Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Every work call, he judges.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.