I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE