I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
You Might Also Like
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I have questions??
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.