I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Realize this:
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’