I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
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i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Well, that should do it
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
next question.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips