I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
You Might Also Like
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.