I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
You Might Also Like
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.