I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
some Old Testament wisdom
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
groan^2
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Swedish for common sense.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,