“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions