I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
The internet is magic sometimes.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”