I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
is he marrying that labradoodle
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!