I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.